People say the funniest things in Mallorca

But Mallorcans do say the funniest things! I once overheard a local housewife say to her husband: “We must ask Maria over for lunch”. Husband replied: “Only if we’re here!” Well, strangely enough, who would even suggest inviting someone over if there was the remotest possibility of going out? Perhaps it’s a strange British custom, but isn’t it considered socially polite to actually be at home if you invite someone over?

Having said that, many moons ago when back in the UK, we were invited to a friend’s house for dinner only to discover on arrival that our host had actually gone to bed early. Jet-lag apparently. His elderly mother rustled up tea and cake, then as a parting throwaway exclaimed: “Next time you come, let us know and we’ll cook dinner!” It wasn’t funny at the time as we had driven a long way plus ‘pranged’ the car en route. But looking back now it was hilarious!

Another funny thing people say is when the heavens open and you come in from the garden absolutely dripping wet from head to foot. “Is it raining?” someone will ask. No! I’m just trending the new ‘wet look’ from Aquasplash!

My absolute favourite though is when the telephone rings. “Is that the phone?” a body asks. Well, it’s not the hoover is it! It’s not that the world has suddenly gone senile, it’s just that sometimes we all say things without really thinking, and end up stating the blinding obvious.

People ask; “How are you?” and without exception we always reply, “Oh, fine,” even if we are sitting in the doctor’s surgery, with both legs in plaster, a head bandage, and one arm dangling in a sling. You arrive at the airport departure gate. The assistant smiles and politely enquires; “Are you flying with us today?” No! I’ve just driven three hours through heavy traffic, checked in my luggage, gone through security and been stripped to my underpants by a gorilla just to say, Hi!”

Captain Obvious and his examples are endless, and it doesn’t just stop with the verbal. People also write funny things, and some notices I have seen whilst ‘out and about’ have been very thought provoking, if not slightly disturbing!

“Please do not urinate on the platform, use the toilets provided.” I saw that one at the train station in Inca. It’s hard to imagine that people would brazenly drop their drawers, or get the magic unicorn out in such a public area. “Please do not flush bread down the toilet!” That was another one – the mind boggles!

The most amusing ‘notice’ I have ever seen was again back in UK, when Other Half and I ventured to a small theatre in Wimbledon to witness a psychic demonstration by a world-famous clairvoyant. When we got there, a huge notice was plastered across the theatre doors cancelling the evening’s performance. ‘Due to unforeseen circumstances, Madam Betty (or whatever her name was) will not be appearing’. One would have thought that being gifted with the power of clairvoyance she would have known the outcome weeks before she booked the theatre!

Yet probably one of the funniest things anyone has ever said to me was right here in Mallorca. A few summers ago, Other Half and I pulled in at an off-road plantation selling palm trees. A huge road-sign stated; Palm Trees for Sale’. “How much are they?” we asked, gliding from tree to tree, as none of the palms were priced. “They’re not for sale,” growled the cigar puffing owner. “But it clearly says, palm trees for sale,” we argued. This was followed by a vacant stare, a smoke ring, and the traditional Mallorcan shrug. “But if they’re not for sale,” we asked. “Why the big sign outside?” Another Mallorcan shrug. Another smoke ring. “Oh, that’s just to get people interested!” Then he rolled his eyes and sauntered away in triumph! Sometimes, things here in Mallorca just don’t make practical sense, do they? Or maybe to the Mallorcans, they probably do!