Brits taking off on holiday; it’s up -up and away!

Unfortunately, these include arriving at the airport much too early, having a full English breakfast at 4am, a few pints of lager at 5pm - standing up on the plane the moment it lands, and saying when disembarking: “Ooooh feel that heat.” Yes, all fair comment I suppose. But what about the unmentioned and really embarrassing ones, the ones not alluded to in the Tui survey?

These can include running to board the plane when your seat row hasn’t been called; what about the ‘jokers’ who, when asked by security if anyone gave them anything to take on board, wink at their dopey friend and say, “Only this ticking parcel mate. Hahaha!” Which I think we can all agree is buttock-clenchingly embarrassing for all within earshot of this witless idiot. You can also spot a Brit by the way they take an age to stuff their things in the overhead locker as if take-off slots don’t exist. But worse still are the ones who sit for 20 minutes holding a menu card waiting for the drinks and sandwich trolley to reach them, then look up gormlessly and ask: “What have you got?”

Personally, I find the check-in desk debate regarding overweight luggage always to be a complete ‘barn-burner’ with the passenger involved seeking verbal support from those behind him in the queue and getting non-at-all…’cos we all had to abide by the same rules - didn’t we - that’s why! Mind you dear reader, does your heart soar just a little when boarding your plane and you notice that those passengers that have paid extra for a ‘Speedy Boarding’ ticket are still sat glaring into the middle-distance as you glide effortlessly passed them and onto the plane. Then there is the awful business of what to wear - shall we call it travel clothing? Funnily enough, when waiting at Palma airport for visitors, I could always tell which flight had arrived by the football shirt some of the passengers were wearing, black and white stripes and that signified a Newcastle flight had just arrived - if claret & blue, that meant some Brummies had just arrived - simples.

There is also the undoubted fact that all arrivals seem to be wearing brand new white trainers - pray why? Furthermore, I wonder why we Brits when flying home from our holiday like to wear what we wore on the beach yesterday. I suppose that if she wears a revealing bikini top that leaves very little to the imagination and he has decided to keep his wife-beater vest on - it must be a bit like making the holiday last a little bit longer; until that is - confronted by a brisk north-easterly when arriving home. Funnily enough, before we become even more mortified by our naff British holiday habits, can I just say that I checked with a German friend and he assured me that on holiday flights to Mallorca from Hamburg or Berlin - all the above would also be very true. So there!