Antonio Sanchez consoles Muriqi after news of his two-match suspension. | Majorca Daily Bulletin reporter

After a week when I read this touching tale : “The missus has just come into the kitchen wearing a little PVC number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer, smiled and told me to sit down, relax and when she comes back she’ll give me what she does best. I can’t wait – I just love her steak and kidney pie !!” – Real Mallorca get back to reality (after a fantasy game away at Elche last Monday night) when they play third-bottom Sevilla in the Son Moix tomorrow (Saturday) at 18:30.

They’ll have to do that without the services of their talismanic superstar Vedat Muriqi who was sent off for violent behaviour on Monday night and will be suspended for two games.

Muriqi, according to the referee’s report, was dismissed by applying article 130.2, for hitting an opponent in the face while the ball was in play, but not within playing distance; whereas the Elche player who was sent off for a particularly hard tackle on Martin Valjent was only given a one-game suspension because the action happened “in play”!!

With Muriqi out for the next two tough games (Sevilla and Real Sociedad next Wednesday), RCD Mallorca are in deep doo-doo in the striking department. With our other main striker Tino Kadewere out until the new year with a serious knee injury, we’re left with Abdon Prats, Angel Rodriguez and Amath Ndiaye.

It will be the coach’s decision who between Abdon and Angel starts on their own up front. I think it looks likely fan’s favourite Abdon will get the nod, with Angel coming on in the second half. Also Amath hasn’t started a game for months and is way off match fitness.

Sevilla are having their worst start to a season for many years. Tuesday’s draw against Borussia Dortmund all but sees them out of this season’s lucrative Champions League. But they have the “new manager bounce” and he’s action personified.

For the second time in eight years, 63-year-old Jorge Sampaoli takes the helm at the Sanchez Pizjuan and expectations are high that he’ll get them back up the table. Argentinian Sampaoli breeds a brand of swashbuckling football as he marches up and down his technical area and is perpetual motion.

Those of a certain vintage may remember the phrase “Like Fred Karno’s Circus/Army” which basically meant chaotic circumstances, things not going as hoped and, usually, getting a custard pie in the face for your troubles. Monday night’s game was a match of authentic madness and wouldn’t have been out of place in the series “Tales of the Unexpected.”

One Alicante Twitter feed headlined “The Perfect Storm.” An hour before the game, rain of biblical proportions hosed down on the Martinez Valero stadium, thunder and lightning shook elche and nearby Alicante. After several power cuts (sorry, I refuse to call them “outages” !) the players were unable to go through their pre-match rituals, but luckily the rain eased off allowing the game to start half an hour late.

Conditions caused VAR to malfunction (nothing new there then !) and at one time communication between the VAR room in Madrid and the referee had to be handled on the fourth official’s mobile phone.

During the second half the referee went doolally. There were two penalties, two sendings off, 12 yellow cards, several of them for things that didn’t involve the ball – he booked an Elche player for over celebration when they scored, another was booked for not retreating 10 yards at a free kick, and our coach was booked for straying (well) outside his technical area after being warned several times by the fourth official.

Muriqi was “hero and villain.” In the 85 minutes he was on the pitch, he missed a one-on-one with the Elche keeper after just 35 seconds, then he missed a penalty, the first one since December 2016. On Tuesday Muriqi went on social media to apologise to the fans for his sending off, saying he’d let them and his teammates down.

The League has chosen Mallorca as one of the four Spanish First Division sides that will play a friendly tournament in the United States during the World Cup in Qatar, which runs from November 10 to December 29.

This is great news for RCD Mallorca because it means significant economic income and above all, will allow the players to maintain their competitive activity. Mallorca will be based in Tampa, Florida along with other La Liga sides likely to be Getafe, Rayo Vallecano and possibly Elche. We look likely to lose three players to the World Cup, Pedrag Rajkovic (Serbia), Iddrisu Baba (Ghana) and Kang In Lee (South Korea).

AND FINALLY, last Sunday’s Zafiro Palma Marathon reminded me of this story. A woman is having and affair while her husband is at work. One wet and rainy day, she is in bed with her lover when, to her horror, she hears the front door open and close. “Hurry,” she shouts, “grab your clothes and jump out of the window, my old man’s home early.”

The lover objects “No way am I jumping out of the window, it’s chucking it down out there.” She replies “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, he’s got a terrible temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems.” So the lover agrees to jump out of the window.

As he runs down the street in the pouring rain, he realises he’s running slap, bang in the middle of the annual marathon, so he starts running along with the 300 runners. Being naked with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in as best he can. Just then a lady runner comes alongside him and asks “Do you always run in the nude ?” He tells her “Oh yeah, it feels so wonderfully free.”

Another runner asks “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm ?” “Oh yes,” the man answers breathlessly, “That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and drive home.” Then a third runner casts his eyes a little lower and queries “Do you always wear a condom when you run ?” “Nope,” says the lover, “Only when it’s raining !!!”