After a week when Phillip Schofield was offered the Spurs manager vacancy – he turned it down as he feared it might damage his reputation ! – Real Mallorca finish season 2022/23 on Sunday at 18:30 at home to Rayo Vallecano.

Apart from the top six in La Liga Santander (set to be called EA Sports next season) who have already qualified for European competitions and the two sides relegated (Espanyol and Elche), Real Mallorca are the only team that will play on the last day without aspirations of a European place, or a fear of relegation.

Whatever happens on Sunday, the Palma side cannot drop from their 12th position which means, as it stands, the club gets eight million euros (in instalments) from La Liga. They reward clubs according to the position they occupy at the end of the season. However, if we beat Rayo on Sunday and finish on a highly creditable 50 points, we’ll get another 2.8 million euros. What’s not to like?!

Rayo, on the other hand, arrive in Palma with a lot to play for. The team from the rough end of Madrid have the smallest budget, the smallest ground and the smallest squad, yet find themselves one win away from a European Conference League spot next season. It’s also the last game for their brilliant young Basque coach, Andoni Iraola, who’s leaving Rayo after Sunday. Down the bottom of the table it couldn’t be more exciting/nail-biting as six teams fight it out to avoid the dreaded drop into the hell of La Segunda.

In what promises to be the most dramatic final hours to a La Liga season in recent memory, fans of Cadiz, Getafe, Valencia, Almeria, Celta Vigo and Valladolid will go through the emotional mangle with just three points separating the six contenders. In Spain when it comes to promotion or relegation, it’s all down to head-to-head as opposed to goal difference. There’ll be smoke coming out of pocket calculators (OK, smart phones) late on Sunday night when all the permutations are finally sorted. All games in the relegation dogfight will kick off at 9pm. After all the excitement has died down, it’s time for the various clubs’ sporting directors to take centre stage.

In our case, Pablo Ortells and his team as they begin putting together a strong Real Mallorca side that will once again punch above their weight in top flight Spanish football. The club is in a good place, thanks to our American owners. We have no debts and we don’t have to sell players to be able to balance the books. The new, re-modelled Son Moix is well on its way to completion and its going to be spectacular when its finished next Summer.

The first job for Ortells is to give our 63-year-old Mexican coach Javier Aguirre a new contract. The club have offered him a deal for one year with another on top, depending on results.

Aguirre’s team have asked for two straight years and it seems likely club president Andy Kohlberg will decide on the outcome. Aguirre has had his critics with regard to the defensive systems he sets his team up to play. But if we can finish mid-table playing five at the back, surely Aguirre has silenced his doubters. The deal is a priority and I expect it all to be done and dusted – when “fumata blanca” (white smoke) will be seen swirling out of the Son Moix chimney – over the next few days.

It’s going to be very interesting to see just how many of the present squad stay or go. The club must put romanticism aside and get rid of those players who haven’t been up to the task. In several positions we need an upgrade in quality.

After closing the continuity of Aguirre, he will be consulted as to the positions he wants to strengthen. It’s been rumoured there’ll be at least five or six new faces on the agenda and it’s going to be a fun Summer of comings and goings. We’ve already signed Manu Morlanes from Villareal and he’s expected to take over the engine room role of Galarreta, who has gone back home to Bilbao. Morlanes will cost five million euros and will be given a five-year deal.

I’ll be going through the possibilities of who could be on our agenda over the next few weeks but the biggest loss for Real Mallorca will be the departure of 22-year-old South Korean sensation Kang In Lee. There’s a proverbial host of clubs interested in his services and his price tag has been reported as being between 20 and 25 million euros.

That’s a snip in modern football for a player of such prodigious talent who has a huge following here in Spain, not least from his adoring countrymen/women. At. Madrid have twice been said to be interested but baulked at the transfer fee. They could re-enter the fray with more money and a loan player as part of the equation. There’s obviously a declaration of intent from “Los Colchoneros” as it’s not often that a club asks another twice for the same player. Signing Kang In Lee for any club (who’ll pay the asking transfer fee) opens up the doors of the Asian market with all its financial advantages.

PS One of Spain’s most controversial referees, Antonio Mateu Lahoz will officiate in the Son Moix on Sunday night. The good news is that it’s his last game before he retires !

AND FINALLY, a guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator on a chain. He puts the creature up on the bar, turns to the astonished customers and says “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open the alligator’s mouth and place my ‘giblets’ inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it and I’ll remove them unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval as the man stood up and dropped his “pantalones” and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The ’gator closed his mouth for a minute as the crowd gasped. After a minute the man grabbed a beer bottle and hit the alligator hard on its head. It’s jaw dropped open and the man removed his dangly bits unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone £200 who is willing to give it a go.” The bar went quiet. Then a hand went up at the back. A woman timidly spoke up “I’ll try, but you have to promise me not to hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle!”