New centre half flying in this week

“El Pela,” as he's nicknamed, has been playing at Argentinian Primera league side Belgrano de Cordoba. He has an Italian passport and is expected to join up in time to go on a two-game trip to Holland at the weekend. Mallorca will face Den Haag on Friday and Heerenveen the following day.

Our present central defenders look a wee bit on the young and inexperienced side and an old head (be it follicley challenged) is what's required at the heart of the defence. We've been vulnerable at the back ever since Nunes retired but I'm not for one minute saying “El Pela” will even come close to emulating one of Real Mallorca's best ever defenders. There's a 20-minute video of his exploits available on mallorcasports.es.

With a month to go until the big La Segunda kick off, the club are still in the market for at least three more players. That big kick off, by the way, starts on Saturday 22nd August away at Alcorcon, kick off 8:30 pm. The following week it's our first home game on Sunday 30th again with an 8:30 pm start at the Son Moix.

The local media have been full of praise regarding new Brazilian striker Luis Felippe or “Carioca” as he's nicknamed. This guy is built like an outside privy and looks more than capable of taking care of himself when up against some rufty-tufty defenders, of which there are plenty in the second division.

There may well be an all South American strike force this season as Mallorca are interested in bringing in Paraguayan (with Spanish nationality), 27-year-old Javier “Torito” Acuna, who's played for Udinese, Watford, Osasuna, Girona and more recently back home in his native Paraguay with Olympia Asunsion. Having two “bullish” strikers up front is definitely a novelty and let's hope it all comes to fruition.

As for other players coming in, there was a strong rumour that Sa Pobla-born Ivan Ramis would come back to Mallorca to see out his career. The 30-year-old centre back played for Wigan for two seasons then ruptured his cruciate ligaments putting him out for a year. He spent last season at Levante and, as usually happens, his wage demands, or rather his agent's perks, were way too much for our meagre budget, and he's signed a one-year deal with Eibar.

The expected transfer deal involving Miguel Madera (Michel), a 30-year-old mid-fielder with a wealth of playing experienced at a plethora of clubs, won't now happen. He wanted a two-year deal and a whole load of “add ons” which we weren't prepared to offer.

Two players on Mallorca's radar to fill the mid-field role could be the lightning quick Jonathan Pereira from Villareal and 25-year-old Abdoul Sissoko who played alongside Hector Yuste at Granada. One player happily out of the Son Moix exit door is Serbian full back Nikola Gulan who's been signed by Belgian outfit Royal Mouscron. Ironically they've also signed two of our ex players, Scepovic and Markovic, both of whom were abject failures after being signed by our then general manager Dudu Aouate.

Real Mallorca drew their third game in six days in Germany when they shared the spoils 1-1 with Kickers Offenbach. The islanders took the lead in the 14th minute through Cedric but the Germans equalised in the 34th minute. The squad flew home yesterday facing searing heat after a few days in a cooler environment.

I renewed my season ticket on Friday and it's simplicity personified. We were even offered and accepted a different seating location without asking ! On Friday there were five members of staff dealing with season ticket renewals, something I've never seen before. The only downside for me was the fact that there are little signs of the proposed new stands being built behind the goals. All that was on view was a skip, a pile of sand and a few pigeons having a peck !

The other week I wrote about the lack of English players plying their trade in other top European leagues. In Italy's Serie A there are two; La Liga: none; Bundeliga: none, and whatever the French league's called now: none. We can conclude that the demand for English players outside England's green and overcrowded shores is more or less non-existent. But, wait a minute, I said nothing about English-speaking players in Spain and one of them, an Australian goalkeeper, joined Valencia last week. 23-year-old Matthew Ryan signed a contract until 2021 coming from the Belgian side Club Brugge, where he has been voted the best goalkeeper in the Belgian top flight over the past two seasons. Fair dinkum mate !

It's been a terrible week for Elche football club and its supporters. Their demotion to the Spanish second division was confirmed by a high court judge last Tuesday. The relegation had been imposed by La Liga's social affairs judge as punishment for having outstanding debts to the Spanish tax authorities. As a result, Eibar, who finished in 18th place and would have been relegated on the basis of results, will stay up. Elche estimate the losses and damages caused by relegation will reach around 79 million euros. But the Alicante-ish team have another major problem they could face – administrative relegation to Segunda B which is Spain's regionalised four group, 80 team, third division. Elche owe 7.8 million in wages with more than 30 formal denuncias being handed in from players and coaches. They have until this coming Friday to find the 7.8million or they are likely to go out of business. There appears to be no money available to pay the outstanding debt. That would mean whoever takes their place, Rec. Huelva, Sabadell, Racing Santander (none of them could find 7.8 million) or Barcelona B (who could but may not want to) have to cough up the outstanding debt to be allowed to take Elche's place.

AND FINALLY, a summertime oldie.

A woman meets a German in a Playa de Palma nightclub and she goes back to his hotel room. He tells her he's a bit kinky and would she mind dressing up ? She says “no,” so he gets out a big costume covered in feathers with a duck's bill and enormous webbed feet. She thinks this is weird but, OK, she puts the outfit on and they begin their passionate dalliance. Suddenly things stop and he asks her would she mind putting something else on. Again she agrees and he gets out four huge bedsprings and straps them onto her knees and elbows. She gets on all fours and off they go again, this time with a lot more bounce. After 10 minutes he tells her to shout out loudly “Quack ! Quack !” When she does they both hit the pleasure zone big time. “Wow,” she says “that was the best sex ever. How did you manage that ?” Back came the answer “Four-sprung duck technique”!