George Clooney. | REUTERS


I’m confused, very confused. Women have always been a bit of a mystery to me and two recent survey’s supposedly revealing women’s innermost thoughts have come up with diametrically opposed views as to what women want in a man. But first a word of warning! Because there is little or no news outside of Coronavirus and all its works, survey’s are clearly a desperate attempt at filling newspaper space and giving television and radio presenters something different to prattle on about all day long. Anyway, according to the social bible, Debrett’s - good manners matter most to woman when choosing a man regardless how good-looking the guy might be. Apparently only 5% of women choose good looks in their choice of man, whilst the attraction a chap with loads of loads of money didn’t seem to punch their buttons at all. Women are such liars aren’t they? I don’t believe that for a moment - as in my experience, you can open as many doors for as many women as you like mate, but if a rival should have the looks of Brad Pitt and the cash to go with it, you can compliment all you want, but it will be Brad keeping her warm at night, not the bloke who tells her that her frock looks nice. I suppose if you lack a certain ‘wow’ factor in the looks department, you could try and appear - mean, moody and magnificent - but there is a fine line between that and being slightly mental, if you see what I mean. At this point, lots of experts and friends will appeal to you to be - “Just like yourself buddy.” This is not a good idea, because she doesn’t really want a tight fisted, marginally self-obsessed but kind hearted loser as her lifelong partner, now does she?

This is not to say that good manners are an inherently bad thing, no indeed not; it’s just that they can pale into insignificance when the rival for her affections turns up for a date in a Mercedes and all you’ve got is a Ford Escort with missing hub-caps. Now then, if you believe all this nonsense about good manners really doing the business and turning-on the opposite sex - wait a minute, hold your horses, another survey conducted by Bristol University (who clearly don’t have anything better to do!) has been trying to find out why women always fall for the most horrible and arrogant of men. It appears that in reality, the man of their dreams is usually a lip-curling, kitten torturing, mirror obsessed person. However, even I could have told them that, so why? It appears that women will overlook the nastiest of tempers and the most outrageous of egos if a bloke has a glint in his eye. I can’t see it myself; every time I tried to flirt with someone in the dim and distant past it usually ended in embarrassment all round. Once the object of my desire asked me - “Have you got something in your eye?” when I went into flirt overdrive, so I rather gave it up as a bad job, preferring to impress her with my encyclopaedic knowledge of the late great Roy Orbison’s hits and bald headed footballers of the 1980’s. When it comes to women seeking attract a man - the best thing I can advise for those sad enough to seek my advice, is to treat him as if he had just crawled out from beneath a stone - flirt with his gormless mates and insist upon expensive cocktail type drinks - even if you don’t like or want them. Later, when you become a couple, you will be only offered vino of the casa or a small light ale, so go-for-it girl.

There is some good news for the older man though. Those Bristol University boffins have announced that - “Randy Golden Oldies Are Making A Comeback In The Sex Stakes.” Well, in actual fact what they really said was - “There is evidence that healthy men of fifty years and above are inclined to be more sexually active than a generation ago.” But, I prefer my headline. Could it be that older men are sweeping aside their younger rivals in the bedroom? What marvellous news - true or not, who cares. I believe that the spiritual leader of this renaissance of the mature male is non other than George Clooney. He may be just a year shy of his 60th birthday and his young wife might have to give him a helping hand down the red Axminster at film premiers, but George is still the older man’s ‘Go To’ inspiration. Another up and coming flag bearer for the older man is Paul Hollywood - a chap who seems to have a weakness for random, inappropriate barmaids - but knows how to bake stuff and sends many a female heart a flutter as his cakes rise impressively in the oven. Meanwhile, on the other side of the gender divide, there are many women celebrities who are denying the ageing process in a stylish fashion - think, the gorgeous Christy Brinkley, from my all-time favourite ‘Uptown Girl’ pop video alongside her then hubby, Billy Joel - or perhaps the cripplingly shy Liz Hurley? At this point, you really don’t need a university survey to tell you who or what makes your heart beat faster, so perhaps I will shut up.