Come on: Are you beach ready in Mallorca?

After 5pm is perhaps the best time of day to go to the beach: the real sting has gone out of the sun and there is more room to swim. | EFE

Frank LeaversPalma04/08/2023 15:52

Do you remember those days-out to the beach when you went to Bournemouth/Blackpool/Brighton; your dad wore a sports jacket and your mum a yellow print dress and you had acne, a snotty nose, and hated your sister. Well, summer in Mallorca is nothing like that at all now is it? For a start you don’t get the excitement of not knowing if you will be sat on the beach in a blizzard or a watery sun might peek out behind a skittering cloud and dad will say to mother - “It’s getting rather warm, I think I’ll take my tie off Joan.” Apart from nostalgia not being like it used to be - I can tell you with firm assurance that a day on the beach in Mallorca in the months of July and August you may have to beware of many things, but rarely a bracing south-westerly sweeping in from the North Atlantic.

If you are a tourist visiting this lovely island - a word to the wise; follow a group of Mallorcan day-trippers to the beach (as they always know the best places to go) and then move as far as you can away from them. Why so, oh wise one? Well, this is nothing personal whatsoever, indeed these family groups are wonderful, but they are somewhat - NOISY! These groups can be as large as twenty strong, from permanently screaming babies, squabbling kids, to mum and dad - grandma and granddad - who hold multiple conversations all at once at the top of their voices; unless, that is, they take some time out to give the warring children a good clout every now and then.

My favourite time of day to visit a beach was when tourists have had enough of the sun and are leaving. So after 5pm is perhaps the best time of day, the real sting has gone out of the sun, there is more room to swim and do what you want to do - yet, you are still in the embrace of a life enhancing warmth, and the sea is a limpid blue pool and heated by the sun’s gentle rays. Hey, it’s the way I tell ‘em! Do you know, I can accurately guess a persons nationality, just by watching them get dressed after a day at the beach. You know that awkward time of day when you’ve had enough of the sun and sea and you want to get out of your damp cosies. However, generally but not exclusively, latin people manage to get out of wet beach gear with elegance, style and with just a hint of erotica. Think Penelope Cruz and Shakira - good eh?

Then you have Germans and Scandinavians. As a rule these nationalities (particularly men) like to stand there showing all that they’ve got to the rest of us holidaymakers who are trying desperately not to look - for obvious reasons. Why don’t they just get on with it - I’ve sort-of answered my own question haven’t I? Nevertheless, it is we Brits who are the most hilarious when changing on the beach I find. It’s that wonderful sand-hopping routine, from one foot to the other, never quite stable enough to ensure the slick removal of bikini tops and bathers alike - its like watching a bad circus act. Will we see a flash of breast - might we glimpse his dangly bits? Come on how thrilling can it get?